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Rest and Ricklaxation/Transcript
Transcript Girl 1: So, Jessica, I heard you broke up with Brad. Girl 2: Who are you gonna date; now that you can date anyone? Jessica: I don’t know. I mean, obviously if someone special comes along. B-But I mean really special, like, nothing I’ve even remotely considered in the past. Morty: (muttering while fixing his hair) Holyshitholyshitholyshit. Girl 1: I want that kind of love like that docking kind of love. Girl 2: Oh, yeah. Girl 1: Like, penis in the foreskin kind of love Mm-hmm just, like, warm, just like... notice Morty Morty: Hey... (Cough) ah... Rick: Everybody, fuck off. Morty, I need your help. W-W-W-We We need to go on a quick adventure. Morty: You said I could go to school today. Rick: That was before I needed something, Morty. There’s a plasma shard in the Abadango Cluster. A princess has it. If I get it, I’ll be awesome. Morty: We’ve been going non-stop, Rick. It’s not healthy. You know, these are my teenage years. I-I just found out Jessica’s single. Rick: Oh, that’s Wow, Morty. Wow. What an exciting life you lead. (shoots portal) Let’s go. In and out, 20 minutes adventure. six days later. Cut to Rick and Morty inside a space cruiser in unkempt and fatigued condition with Morty in the wheel and Rick holding wires Morty: They’re on our tail! Rick: Steady, Morty. Five cetons. two enters a mothership, while Rick pulls a wire and the ship slows down Steady, God damn it! Two cetons. inserts an isotope in a box and places it on the dashboard and connects it with plugs Morty: Wha! Rick: Fire! pulls the trigger and shoots a laser, causing an explosion. The cruiser quickly gains speed Rick: Pull up, Morty, pull up! Pull up! explosion causes a chain of explosions that eventually destroys the whole structure, while the two screams all the way and barely escapes the huge blast. Cut to the two on stage in an award ceremony. Cut to the two in the vehicle garage and gets in their vehicle. Some bottles can be heard dropping. buckles up Rick and Morty: (sigh) Rick: (continues sighing) Fuck. Morty: (crying) Rick: (screams) Oh, fuck! Fuck! Ahh! Ahh! Morty: I can’t fucking do this anymore! Rick: That was seriously fucked up. We almost died. Morty: So you agree? Rick: Fuck yes! That w... T-This was insane! That was pure luck. I was not in control of that situation at all. Morty: (continues crying) Rick: (notices his hands shaking) Look at this, Morty. Look at my fucking hand. Look at this shit. Morty: Why do you... Keep doing this to us?! Rick: I don’t know, Morty. Maybe I hate myself, maybe I think I deserve to die. I-I-I-I don’t I don’t know! Morty: (cries again) Rick: We need a vacation. (intro plays) (Screen shows an alien spa. Aliens are seen relaxing and walking around. An alien worker is seen pressing a button which makes a big pink creature spit out relaxed Rick and Morty onto a comfy mattress.) Rick: Isn’t that something? Morty: You were right. Best day spa in the galaxy. Rick: It's not even cruel, either. These things are just doing what they do in the wild. It loves swallowing stressed-out creatures for 20 minutes and then puking them up. Morty: My whole body’s like a baby’s ass. (Scene cuts to Rick and Morty walking down a hallway with different rooms in it while holding drinks.) Alien: Complimentary psychological detox? Removes all your cognitive toxins, (clears throat) purifies your system. Rick: Oof, this guy on commission or something? Morty: I don’t think. Are you on commission? Alien: We’re not on (gurgle) commission. We get (gurgle) paid by the hour. There’s no incentive really- Rick: (Annoyed) Oh, my god. Okay, listen. W-W-W-We’ll try the machine, but but I’d like you to try something. Try swallowing the giant ball of snot that’s dangling around in the back of your throat. (Throws drink on the ground while getting in the aliens face) It’s disgusting. Nobody wants to hear that. Ahem. Ahem! That’s what you do. Morty: (Grabs Rick by the arm and drags him into the room): Okay, Rick, come on. Enough. (Rick and Morty both sit on the seats as the doors close) Rick: Wow, did you hear me bite that guy's head off? Geez, I really need to chill. Morty: Maybe you should go through twice. Rick: All right, mister comedy man, you don’t have to bust my balls. You’re not helping things. (The machine starts to shake and make loud noises. Rick and Morty look around, Concerned.) Morty: Rick, is this thing supposed to be making this no- (The room explodes with a bright flash of white.) (The white fades with a ringing noise for a few seconds, showing Rick laying down in a gross mucky surface of mud like stuff. He is made out of the same gunk. Rick lifts his face out of the muck and looks around, squinting. His whole surrounding is mucky, dark and gross.) Toxic Rick :(He stands up and shouts out for Morty.) Morty! Toxic Morty: (Toxic Morty is seen almost completely sunk inside the mud.) (Waves his hand weakly to get Rick's attention.) R-Rick. Toxic Rick: Rainbow! (He walks up to Toxic Morty and forcefully grabs him and yanks Morty out and back onto his feet.) Toxic Morty: Ugh! What Happened? Toxic Rick (Yelling at scared Toxic Morty): We blew up, idiot! Are you really that stupid? Obviously the guy I yelled at overloaded the machine. It takes more than that to kill Rick and Morty, motherfucker! (A group of angry, groaning and mucky creatures crawl towards Toxic Rick and Toxic Morty.) Toxic Rick: But this might do it. Run, Morty! (Toxic Rick grabs Toxic Rainbow Dash's arm and run away from the creatures.) Toxic Morty: E-Everything hurts! Toxic Rick: That’s because you’re worthless! (He steps on a creature’s face that’s in the muck, killing it.) Jesus, how big was this explosion? I’m a genius. I don’t have time for this shit. (They both run into a messy and mucky cave. Toxic Rick throws Toxic Toxic Morty into it.) Toxic Morty: (Scared, in the fetal position) W-W-We’re in Hell, aren’t we, Rick? Toxic Rick: (Points at Toxic Morty, yelling at him.):You’re so stupid, Morty. You’re an (Belches) idiot. There’s no such thing as Hell. Toxic Morty: I believe you, but I just want to die. Toxic Rick: You can die when I say so. I control you. I control the universe! Why am I bragging about that? I have nothing to prove. I’m surrounded by inferior pieces of shit and – (He stops her sentence and notices something. He stares at scared Toxic Morty as a piece of his cheek melts off.) Toxic Rick: Toxins. We’re not in Hell, Morty. (Looks around) We’re in the detoxifier. The machine didn’t blow up. It worked normally. (Wipes goo off of his arm) It removed our toxins. (He grabs Toxic Morty's face.): We’re the toxins. Toxic Morty: (Start’s screaming in terror) Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Toxic Rick: Are you listening, you stupid little garbage person?! (Shakes Toxic Morty) We’re what got removed! (Scene cuts to happy Rick and Morty walking out of the room as the doors open.) Alien: I hope you both found that detox sufficiently relaxing. Rick: Hey, man, listen Those comments I made about your throat? Alien: (Clears throat and swallows.) (Puts his hands up.) It’s all good. Rick: It’s nice of you to let me off the hook. It’s still unacceptable behavior, and I do regret it. Alien: Believe me, man, I’ve been working here a long time. I get it. (Scene cuts to Rick and Morty in the spaceship flying back home. They’re both happy and relaxed.) Morty: Hey, uh, you mind if I put on some music? Rick: Not at all. (Morty presses a button that plays a song.) Radio: Grab my terrifolds... (They both bob their heads to the beat as they look at each other.) Rick: What is that? Morty: I just hit shuffle. Rick: Are you kidding? Morty: Haha. Rick: This universe. (Burps) Oh, excuse me. Morty: We should listen to one random song a day, you know? We’d end up hearing more songs we didn’t like, but we’d discover a lot more that we did. Rick: That is an interesting concept. You know, it makes me wonder if there’s an algorithmic expression that could achieve the ideal ratio. Pfft! Listen to me, trying to calculate happiness over here. Morty: Hoo, if anyone could, Rick. Rick: Hey, here’s something no science could measure. I’m real proud to be your grandpa, Morty. Morty: Thanks, Rick. I love you. (Screen cuts back to Toxic Rick and Morty. Toxic Morty is sitting down while making a pot/vase, while Toxic Rick is mixing up chemicals.) Toxic Rick: Yeah, motherfucker! Yeah! Get it! Get some! Right up your fucking bitch ass, you fuck! Guess who just discovered a new element?! You think you could do that, Morty? You think anyone but me could do that ever in a billion years? Do you think if God existed he could do it? The answer is no. If God exists, it’s fucking me! Toxic Morty: Yes, Rick. I-I agree, Rick. Toxic Rick: While you were flapping your parasitic turd holster, I discovered the toxic equivalent of electricity, Morty. What do you think about that? Toxic Morty: Uh I th-I think my voice is annoying. Toxic Rick It is, and it’s your best quality. Toxic Morty: (Sad) So true. (Scene cuts to Harry Herpson High School, where Mr. Goldenfold is teaching a math class. Mr. Goldenfold: Now, who can tell me the common denominator of these two factions? You don’t know or y’all just bored? Morty: Hey, listen, you know, wh-If we’re all bored over here, wouldn’t the common denominator be you? (All the students laugh) Mr. Goldenfold: Damn, Morty. That’s hilarious. Normally I would come down on any kind of disruption, but it seems to represent a positive change for your character. Class dismissed! (The happy Students cheer.) Off screen student: Awesome, Morty! Student with glasses: You done good, Morty. (High fives him.) Off screen student 2: Oh yeah! (Scene cuts to Morty walking down the school hallway.) Female student: Thanks for the advice, Morty. Morty: You got it. Female student 2: I did it, Morty! Morty: I knew you could. Mitch: Hey, Morty, remember yesterday when I couldn’t play the trombone? Well, check this out! (Plays a tune on his trombone.) Morty: (Snapping his fingers) Just like I told you, Mitch. The music was in your heart the whole time. Female student looking into her mirror: Stupid hat Wish I had the courage to just be myself. (Morty takes her hat off.) Female Student: (Smiles) There you are. (Morty dances around to the trombone and stops in front of a bully.) Bully: You might have all these idiots fooled, but I know you’re still the same pathetic loser hiding behind a confident facade. I know that because I’m doing the same thing, brother. I’m not alone anymore! (Students celebrate and walk away.) Jessica: Hey, Morty. Word around school is you’ve become super healthy. Morty: I don’t know about all that. I do, however, know that I have a pretty bad case of haven’t taken you to dinner-itis. Might be fatal. Hahaha! Rick: (Walks up to Morty and Jessica): Hey, kids. Uh, hope I’m not interrupting. Morty, a moment of your time? Morty: Happy to help, Rick. (Scene cuts to the car park outside the school.) Rick: I hate to bug you with this, but after our morning hike I started receiving very faint, highly unusual transmissions on my sub ether phone. Listen. (Rick pulls out his phone and plays a recorded message. Confused Morty listens to the distorted message, as it starts to sound like a growling creature and a crowd shrieking. Rick then stops the message.) Morty: It’s a bad phone. Chuck it. I downgraded to a clamshell for emergencies only. You know, if if if something’s worth saying, I-it’s worth eye contact. Rick: Uh, I-I-I traced the source of the call back to the spa we went to, Morty. I thought I could hear a voice in there, so I enhanced it, a-and listen. (Rick plays the enhanced and distorted message.) Toxic Rick: Hey, asshole! Toxic Morty: Oh, man! Toxic Rick: Remember us? Toxic Morty: Oh, I don’t like confrontation! (Morty listens with a blank stare.) Toxic Rick: You fucked us, you pieces of garbage! That’s right, you’re fucking garbage, not us. I’m a fucking genius and a god. You really think this thing can hold me? I’m gonna rip your throat... (Rick stops the audio.) Rick: Morty, what if the toxic parts of us have their own identities, their own will to live? (Rick and Morty both walk over to a red car and sit on it's front.) Rick: W-What if mine shares my intelligence and devised a way to reach out to us? Morty: Sounds like he’s in a lot of pain. Lot. O. Pain. But, you know, you shouldn’t have to deal with that, man. You know, l-let’s work off your trauma with some urban spin yoga. It’s amazing. You do yoga on a bike, but you have an at-risk preteen- Rick: I don’t think I can just blow this off, Morty. If I had known it worked this way, I wouldn’t have detoxed. Well, I would have because I was toxic. Now I’m detoxed and I’m accountable to my toxins, right? I-It’s a dilemma. Morty: I think I know what to do. (Grabs Rick's phone and breaks it in half.) Rick: Morty! Morty: Rick! Haha. (Hops off the car.) You know, the only problem here is a big fat brain that misses eating all them big fat problems. Focus on the good thing. Trust me, things are good. Taking that away from me, heh. That wouldn’t be healthy. (Rick stares at Morty, concerned.) Morty: Hahaha! Hahahaha! Oh, man. World’s Greatest Grandpa, for reals. (Walks away.) It’s not just a coffee cup for you, bud. You’re legit. (Catches a football that was kicked towards him, and chucks it back to an off screen person.) (Scene cuts to A restaurant. Morty is seen at a table with Jessica, and a waiter, who is writing down an order. Morty is drumming on the table.) Morty: I love drums. I never took drum lessons. Why? Limitations. We are addicted to our own limitations. How amazing is that? Is the kale prepared in the kitchen? I’ll have a water. Jessica: Uh How is the "cru-dite?" Waiter: CruditÃ©. It’s a cup of carrot sticks. Morty: Ha! It’s okay! Pronounce it however you want. Words are just things. Please. Thank you. We’re having a conversation. (The waiter leaves with the menus.) Morty: God, I am so excited to finally have dinner with you. You know how long I’ve been waiting for this? It’s like, whew! I-I-I wish you’d shut up, though. Just kidding. You know, you’re so quiet. What’s wrong? W-Why don’t you tell me about yourself? What’s the atmosphere like on planet Jessica? Where’s the equator, what are the vacations, a-and the holidays? I mean, you know, haha, are they the same time? Talk to me. Jessica: Well I... like this restaurant. (Morty bashes on the table, startling Jessica.) Morty: Holy shit! Holy shit! We have a moron over here! I’m an idiot. I can’t believe I haven’t thought of this. You have to do this detox thing I did. It’s an alien spa, you go through it, fwoos-s-s-ssh, lasers, bwaa-bwaa-bwaa, wheeew wheeew! Sucks everything out. Everything that was holding me back, everything bad, I mean, it just sluuuurp! Hahaha! Right? Jessica: (Awkwardly) Cooooool. (She grabs her phone and looks at it. It's out of battery.) Oh, my God! I can’t believe this. Morty: Yeah, phones are awful, I downgraded to- (Goes to grab her phone but she interrupts him.) Jessica: I totally forgot my I have a thing, and... Morty: Things are good. Jessica: You know what? Why am I doing that? That’s more rude than the truth. Look, I’m sorry, Morty. I just don’t think... Morty: Do not. Even. You have no need to explain. It’s all good. Jessica: I think you’d get bored with me. (Gets up out of her chair and leaves.) Morty: E-Exactly. Look, the sparks aren’t flying. This is what dating is for, you know? First date, no sparks. No damage, no worries. Life is a highway. We’re gonna ride it all night lonnngg! (The waiter comes back and hands him his food.) Morty: Gonna eat some "crudite. Mmm! Is this organic? Mmm. (He looks around the restaurant.) All right. You know, the evening continues. (His attention is on this one girl who's sitting at the bar.) Okay, here we go. (Morty walks up to the girl and grabs a chair to sit next to her.) Morty: Ma’am, I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. Your money’s no good here. Haha! (To the Bar tender) I’ll I’ll get the next round, sir. Stacy: Aren’t you a child? Morty: Only in the ways that matter. Morty. Stacy: (Sigh.) Stacy. (Bar Tender gives Morty a drink.) Morty: I’ve been watching you drink, Stacy. I get the feeling you’ve got a hard job. I wonder what it takes to please you. That’s the job I want Part time, full time, I want to be good at it, bad at it, I want to get promoted, fired, corner office, hostile takeover, workplace accident I’m on my knees, Stacy. Praying, worshipping, begging, whatever you want. (Sniff) What do you think about that? Stacy: (Turns to look at Morty.) Okay. Fuck it. (Morty and Stacy clink glasses.) Morty: Tink. (Scene cuts to Rick's garage. He is seen fixing up something. A taxi parks near the house, the taxi drives away as Morty and Stacy get out of it.) Morty: (Kisses Stacy) Mm! Let’s ask my grandpa. He’s a scientist. (They both walk into the garage.) Morty: Hey, Rick, are you familiar with "Ben Wa" technology? Rick: (Get's up.) Morty, great news. I went back to the spa and they let me purchase the containment unit from their detoxifier. Morty: Why? Toxic Rick: (On the screen that's connected to the containment unit.) Because we’re coming home, bitch! Morty: What is this? Toxic Rick: This is the parts of your pussy grandpa that keep it real. Oh oh, and I think you dropped something, too! (He grabs Toxic Morty.) Toxic Morty: I don’t want to be on camera. I’m ugly and gross, please. Stacey: Should I go? Morty: You’re your own person, Stacy. Stacy: Then I’d like to stay. (Toxic Rick puts Toxic Morty back down off screen.) Morty: Rick, please tell me you’re not trying to put that stuff back inside of us. Rick: Morty, I’m sorry. That stuff is alive and it belongs with us. We yanked them from their homes and locked them in a can. (Knocks on the containment unit, knocking Toxic Rick over.) Toxic Rick: Motherfucker! Rick: See? They’re living in pain. Morty: That’s what they do, Rick, they live in pain. They are pain, you know? They they’re all the bad parts of us, which, by the way, includes our dishonesty, so how do you know this isn’t all some sort of crazy trick? Toxic Rick: Oh, so now because I’m made entirely of toxins I’m also a liar? Fuck you, you little sociopath. (Grabs Toxic Morty again.) You hear this, Morty? Toxic Morty: Oh, everybody hates me. I can tell. Y-You all hate me. Toxic Rick: (Puts him back down.) All right, shut up, Morty. Healthy Rick, are we doing this or what? Rick: Yep. Sorry, Morty. I need you to step into the booth. (Opens the door to the booth.) Morty: (Shakes his head with his arms crossed.) Toxic Rick: Don’t negotiate with that little turd, dummy. You’re the Rick. You need to show dominance. Morty, booth, now. (Toxic Rick grabs Toxic Morty and shoves him into the booth. He gets in too, and closes the door.) Rick: Booth! Come on, Morty. Morty: Don’t touch me! Rick: Morty, do the healthy thing and voluntarily retoxify yourself. (Rick grabs Morty as they both struggle.) Morty: Nooooo! Stacy: Is it wrong if I think this is kind of hot? (Rick pulls Morty into the booth with him.) Morty: Let me out of here! Stacy, help! Open the door! Stacy: I need to hear our safe word, Morty. Morty: Sea Cucumber! Sea Cucumber! (Stacy opens the door and forcefully pulls Rick and Morty out of the booth.) Rick: What are you doing? (Stacy pushes them out.) Stacy: I’ll do anything for you, Morty. Rick: No! (A giant cloud of gas whirls around Stacy, as Toxic Rick and Toxic Morty take her place.) Toxic Rick: It worked! Haha! Yes! That idiot believed every word. Now let’s see how he enjoys living in that shit tank. (Stacy opens the door to the booth inside the containment unit.) Toxic Rick: He’s right behind me, isn’t he? (Looks behind him.) Toxic Morty: He’s in front of you. Toxic Rick: Oh. (Rubs eyes.) My eyes are still adjusting. Stacy: (Through the screen.) Uh, is this like a sex dungeon? I guess I should’ve been paying attention. (CUT) (Scene continues.) Toxic Rick: After 70 years of being bottled up inside a (Burp) sentimental jackass, I finally get to live my own life. Rick: You said we were merging. Toxic Rick: I lied, dumbass! I lie about everything! Why would I ever re-merge with a pussy like you? Rick: So you were just gonna trap us in that tank? T-That was your plan? Toxic Rick: Not was, motherfucker, still is. (Toxic Rick punches Rick in the face, knocking him into the ground. Rick's nose starts to bleed.) Morty: (Points to Toxic Rick.) Kill him, Rick! Toxic Morty: (Hides behind the door to the booth.) I don’t like this! This is scary! Rick: (Gets up, ready to fight with his fists up.) All right, you asked for it. Toxic Rick: Did I ask for this? (Kicks Rick in the crotch. Rick groans in pain, grabbing his crotch.) Did I ask for this? (Grabs Rick's shoulders and repeatedly knees him in the crotch.) Huh? Did I? (Rick falls into the ground, hugging his stomach.) (A robot gun pokes out of Rick's belt buckle.) Groin System 6000: Assessing threat to groin. Toxic Rick: Groin System 6000. Kill him! Groin System 6000: (Faces Rick, then looks back.) That... is my groin’s user. Toxic Rick: Believe me, I got a lot more use out of that thing than he ever did. Groin System 6000: You know what? Not my table. (Turns back into a belt buckle.) (Rick gets back up, punching Toxic Rick in the jaw. Toxic Rick then grabs Rick and bashes him against his shelf and his wall, making a mess.) (Scene cuts to Summer, watching tv in the living room. She's watching an episode of 'The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes.' She doesn't notice the two Ricks fighting outside.) Mrs. Pancakes: You do know me. Summer: (Gasp.) (toxic Rick grabs Rick and throws him through the glass door, smashing the door and the coffee table. Toxic Rick proceeds to punch Rick in the face some more.) Summer: What the hell, Grandpa Rick? Toxic Rick: Fuck you, Summer! Rick: Sorry, Summer! (Toxic Rick runs up to a house plant, pulling down one of it's leaves. It turns out to be a lever to a machine that dispenses a round grenade type device. He is about to pull the pin.) Rick: Okay, okay, take it easy. Don’t do it. (Toxic Rick pulls the pin, and the device opens up to reveal a little blue alien inside. Toxic Rick starts to caress is, as it grows bigger and bigger.) Toxic Rick: I love you. Good boy. Daddy’s little boy. Rick: Summer, get out of here! Go! (Summer runs away to safety.) Toxic Rick: Oh, who’s that? (The creature grows bigger and changes color, as Rick somersaults over the couch, and to a secret compartment that he reveals under the carpet. It scans his hand.) Toxic Rick: (Burp) Who’s that over there? Oh, no. (The compartment opens up and shows a gun with an injection device on it. Rick injects himself with it.) Toxic Rick: You see the bad man in front of you? You’re a good little boy, you’re gonna get him. You’re gonna get him. (The large aggressive creature lunges towards Rick, but he shoots the gun injection at Toxic Rick before getting mauled to death by the alien monster.) Toxic Rick: Ahh! Son of a... (He runs up to a bookshelf, pushing the books over to find a book that scans him and opens up to give him the same type of injection gun. He injects himself and shoots it at the monster, right before the injection he got took effect and a naked baby Rick bursts through his chest, killing him. It grows to Rick's normal age.) (The monster alien turns around and runs towards Rick, right before naked toxic Rick bursts through it, killing it.) Toxic Rick: Nice try, asshole. Rick: We can resolve (Huff) our issues. We don’t need to resort to over-the-top- Aah! (Toxic Rick kicks Rick in the face, knocking him down.) (At that moment, Toxic Morty crashes through the walls of the living room with Rick's spaceship. The tank and the booth is attached to the back of it.) Toxic Morty: I-I did it, Rick. I got the tank! I-I’m a piece of shit, but I got the tank! Toxic Rick: You’re going in that tank, motherfucker. You’re gonna (burp) live in that toxic shit wasteland like I had to do! (Morty runs out of nowhere and gets into the ship, biting Toxic Morty's head.) Toxic Morty: Ahh! Ow! (Toxic Morty can't control the ship as it starts crashing all around the living room.) (Rick and Toxic Rick duck to avoid it. It eventually jams into a wall.) Toxic Rick: That’s right, motherfucker! You’re going in that fucki- (Beth walks into the living room with groceries. everyone just stares at her. Beth: (Confused) Dads? Rick: Okay, just Just leave her out of it. Beth: What’s going on? Toxic Rick: All right, fuck this. Time for plan B If I can’t trap you in a toxic world, (Climbs up to the ship, grabs Morty and throws him out.) Morty: Ahh! Toxic Rick: I’ll just make the whole world toxic. (Flips Rick off and crashes the spaceship through the roof, flying away.) (Summer comes out from hiding.) Rick: It’s okay, girls. I-I’m so sorry I put us in danger with some of my behavior. I-If you’d like I can go out in the g-garden, pick some fresh basil, and make us a nice Scallopini. Beth: What did the booger version of you mean when he said he was going to make the whole world toxic? Rick: Believe me, sweetie, that man’s motivations are a mystery. Morty: Screw that, Rick. We got to stop him. What’s the last thing you’d think about doing with that tank thing? Rick: (Walks up to Morty and bends down near him) Morty, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but it’s not our place, you know, to pick and choose which world gets saved from what apocalypse. Our our toxins have as much a right to their worldview as- (Morty slaps Rick.) Rick: Morty, how is it healthy to slap me? Morty: Obviously my version of health is a hell of a lot different from yours, you useless old turd. Rick: Wait. That’s it. (Gets back up.) How could that detox machine know the difference between healthy and sick for everything that goes through it? It can’t. It must be by the individual’s own definition of toxicity. That means... (Rick slaps Morty.) Beth: Dad! Morty: What the What the hell, Rick? Rick: (Grabs Morty and runs.) I’ll explain on the way. (Screen cuts to a large tower located near a factory. Toxic Rick has built a machine on it to toxify the earth.) Toxic Rick: This "Moon Tower," Morty, (Burps) is the perfect height and metallic composition for the (burps) amplification and beaming of toxic energies. What do you think about that, Morty? Are you excited about that, Morty? Toxic Morty: Oh, man. I’m just freaked out. I-It’s too high up here. Toxic Rick: Once I flip this switch, the entire world is gonna be just as toxic as us, baby. (He pulls the lever.) (The machine lights up with electricity and sends rays of the toxic goop all over earth.) (Screen cuts to an active church.) Priest: As we praise our loving Father- (The church get toxified.) Priest: (Rips off his shirt.) God is a lie! We made him up for money! (Everyone is the church immediately starts doing sexual things to each other.) (Scene cuts to a street with food stores.) (The street gets toxified.) (A group of teenagers run out of a 'saladworks' and into a fast food store while a woman runs out of the fast food store and starts eating out of the dumpster bin.) (Scene cuts to a children's birthday party with a man dressed up as a clown mouse mascot.) (The backyard get toxified.) Man: (Takes off the mouse head.) Santa Claus isn’t real. (Kicks a boy into the pool right before the kids start stabbing the guy with forks and knifes, as he bleeds everywhere.) You were all mistakes! Toxic Rick: Hahahahahaha! We fucking did it, Morty. Put your fucking hands in the air. (Grabs Toxic Morty's arm and lifts it.) Yeah, you little piece of shit. (Rick and Morty land behind them with jetpacks.) (Toxic Rick and Toxic Morty turn around.) Rick: Remember me? Toxic Rick: Didn’t you learn last time that you can’t beat me? Rick: Yeah, I did. And then I learned something else. (Pulls a gun out of his lab coat.) This. (Rick shoots Toxic Morty in the knee, causing him to collapse in pain.) Toxic Morty: Ahh!! Rick: That bullet is laced with an encrypted nanobotic virus that will disintegrate your Morty in about, ah, 20 minutes. Toxic Rick: You think I give a shit? Rick: I know you give a shit, dummy. Because I know I don’t. Here’s another thing I know. The decryption key that neutralizes the virus. (He pulls put an injection with a tube to the other injection part.) You want it? Come and get it. Merge with me and you’ll know how to save him. Toxic Rick: Pfft. Come on, man. I’ve been trapped in your pussy brain for 70 years of delusions, but this is the all-time weakest bluff that I’ve ever- (Rick shoots Toxic Morty in his other knee, causing him to yell out in pain again.) Toxic Morty: Ow-Ohh!! Toxic Rick: (Dodges the bullet.) Jesus Christ! What are you doing?! Morty: He’s cutting your time in half. 10 minutes. Toxic Morty: Ohh! It hurts! Toxic Rick: What is your problem? Rick: Oh, I had all my problems removed my entitlement, my narcissism, my crippling loneliness, my irrational attachments. (Toxic Rick glances at hurt Toxic Morty, and looks back as his eye twitches.) Rick: They must be somewhere. They ain’t over here, bro. Toxic Rick: I’m not going back in there! Rick: Honestly, I don’t care either way. I hate having you in me. And when I say "honestly" you can believe it, because we both know I’m too healthy to lie. Watch. (Rick shoots Toxic Morty for the third time. This time, in the shoulder. He continues to cry out in pain as he holds his bleeding shoulder. He's getting weaker and weaker.) Toxic Rick: All right! Knock it off! You’re not impressing anyone. (He kneels down and holds Toxic Morty.) Morty, not that I give a shit, but are you okay? Toxic Morty: Jesus Christ, it hurts. Toxic Rick: Relax, quit your bitching. Y-You’re gonna be fine. Grandpa’s here. Rick: Hahahahahaha. Toxic Rick: You think that’s funny? Rick: Y-You got to have a sense of humor about these things. Oh, wait, you can’t. You’re literally incapable of seeing the bigger picture. I guess it’s just funny because you’ve never done anything but complain about me being in charge, but if I ever gave you the wheel we’d be dead in five minutes. Toxic Morty: Ah, Rick? Rick: You poor, dumb, sick animal. Toxic Morty: Augh... Rick? Toxic Rick: Ahh! (Gets up and walks towards Rick.) Just do it! Just do it, you piece of- (Rick injects Toxic Rick in the head, then injects himself with the other end. He then presses a button, sucking Toxic Rick into the tube and back into himself.) Rick: Aaahhh! I’m back, baby! (Dances around.) Regular Rick! Master of both worlds! Check it it out! (Farts in Morty's face.) Excuse me. (Walks up to the lever.) Now we’ll just reverse this hacky toxicity beam. Man, I really over think shit when I’m angry. (Rick lifts the lever. The machine sucks the toxicity back up.) (Scene cuts back to the Church. The people are still doing sexual acts, until the toxic goo goes away. They suddenly stop doing what they were doing.) Priest: God is not a lie. (Scene cuts back to the street. The toxicity disappears, and the group of people exit the fast food store and go back into 'Saladsworks,' while the other girl stops eating the trash and runs back into the fast food place.) (Scene cuts to the childrens birthday party. The kids are seen killing each other and making monkey noises, and the man mascot is massacred. The toxicity goes, and the kids realize what they did, and start crying hysterically. ) Crying boy: Mommy! Mommy! Rick: (Looking around with binoculars.) Ha! All right, Morty, now it’s time we re-merge your little ass. (Morty is seen flying away with his jet pack.) Morty: You’re a better man than me, Rick. I’m healthy enough to admit that! Rick: That kid is a real piece of shit. Toxic Morty: (Moaning in pain.) Y-Y-You’re gonna save me, right? Rick: (Picks up Toxic Morty.) Part of me wanted to, Toxic Morty. Part of me really wanted to. (He sticks the injection into Toxic Morty.) (Scene cuts to a workplace somewhere in the city in a large building. Everyone inside are busy working.) Worker: (On the phone.) I’m telling you, these shares are hot. Worker 2:(On the phone.) Yeah. That sounds like a good idea. It’s definitely a good idea. Morty: (Also on the phone.) Duane, Duane, Duane, I get it, now can you get me? Have I ever lied to you? (Grabs an apple on his desk.) That’s right, and ask around, I never do, Duane. (Workers quiet down to listen to Morty's call.) Morty: Let me put this real simple. This stock is a beautiful redhead, recently single, not looking to date but ready to fall in love, and fate has put her locker two down from yours, Duane Two lockers down. (Winks at two female workers. They both giggle.) So step up or step off, Duane. Blue pill or red pill, what’ll be, bro? Totally understand, Duane. You’re the boss. (Stops the call.) Heinholz Biotech Million and a half at thirty-three. (Bites the apple as everyone cheers and throws their papers.) Worker in a red shirt: (Catches the apple.) Heh.You little fucking monster. (Scene cuts to Morty's apartment in another tall building. He's cutting up carrots for a snack.) Morty: Mmm! Is this organic? Mmm! (Morty's phone rings, and he answers, as he walks up to his window at the view.) Go for Morty. Jessica on the phone: Hi, Morty. It’s Jessica. Look, can we just talk for a minute? Morty: Is that how long it takes for Rick to trace my location? Jessica: Come back, Morty. I miss you. Morty: You miss the old me. You miss someone that loved you so much you never had to love ‘em back. (A redhead is seen opening the kitchen door.) Jessica: How do you know I don’t want to love you? Morty: Because I’m not sick. (Presses a button.) Jacquelyn: (Sits at the bench.) Ex-girlfriend? Should I be jealous? Morty: (Puts his phone on the bench.) There’s nothing to be jealous of. Jacquelyn: (Sigh) I just realized that I’m scheduled to speak at that fundraiser on our date night. I can cancel. Morty: We’ll be together. That’s a date. Jacquelyn: You are the perfect man. (Notices Morty's phone.) Oh, sweetie, (Picks it up to show Morty.) I think you hit the wrong button. You didn’t hang up. Morty: Huh. How ‘bout that? (Six robot drones suddenly crash through the window. One hovers near Jacuelyn, armed, and the others wrap around Morty, keeping him in place.) (A portal appears on the ceiling and Jessica and Rick fall through it.) Rick: Sorry, tiny American Psycho, (Holds up the injection.) time to take the opposite of your medicine. Morty: Do what you got to do. (Rick injects Morty, as he screams in pain. The robot drones let go of him, as he falls to the ground, his limbs having a painful spasm.) Morty: Oh! Ow! Ahh! (Eventually, Morty gets up.) Jessica: So, how do you feel, Morty? Morty: Ah, geez. I’m miserable. Rick: Am I good or what? Morty: I guess it’s worth it, though, to know how much you care. Jessica: Care? Me? Morty, I’m fine with you. I only did this for him. (Points at Rick.) Rick: You lying bitch. She kept coming to our house, Morty, and kept asking me. "Did did d-did you get a new Morty yet?" Jessica: Because you kept drunk dialing me and crying about it. Rick: I wasn’t crying! (Rick and Jessica continue to argue.) Morty: Jacquelyn, I I-I-I wasn’t who I said I was. Jacquelyn: You weren’t a 14-year-old boy from the Midwest who ran away from his family and capitalized on his lack of conscience by becoming a stock broker? Morty: Oh. I guess I was pretty up front about that, wasn’t I? Jacquelyn: You were up front about everything. You were my soul mate. Morty: Well No-Not anymore. I’ll, um Y-You can keep the apartment, and and and, uh the drones. Rick: She can’t keep the drones. They turn into a little Voltron robot. They’re awesome. (Robot drones transform into a Voltron robot.) Rick: You can’t keep the drones. (Scene cuts to Harry Herpson High School. Jessica is in a hallway talking to her friends, while Morty is going through his locker.) Girl 1: So, how was your date with Brad? Jessica: It wasn’t a date. We were just having lunch. Girl 2: You guys are getting back together, aren’t you? Morty: (Looks down, sad.) Rick: (Comes out of nowhere.) Morty, I need your help on an adventure. Eh, "need" is a strong word. We need door stops, but a brick would work, too. Morty: Okay. (Rick shoots a portal and walks through it.) Jessica: Morty. Morty: (Morty stops and looks at Jessica and smiles.) Jessica: Good to have you back. (Rick's arm shoots through the portal and grabs Morty, pulling him in.) Girl 1: Have you ever been peed on before? Oh, my God. Yum. (CREDITS) Credits song: Hey, did you ever want to hold a terrifold? I got one right here Grab my terri-flap Squeeze it Grab it, squeeze it Tug on my terri-flap Hey, I want to take you to The terrifold dance Wanna come with me? You can grab my holdie-folds Squeeze ‘em tight You son of a bitch. Suck my holdie-flappy folds Lick my flappy foldie-holes My terri-flaps in your mouth Suck my flaps, you piece of shit. Whoo! (AFTER CREDITS SCENE) (Credits cut to the tower near the factory where Toxic Rick left the Toxifier. A man is seen explaining to people about the tower.) Man: Although only a handful of moon towers remain today, they were popular in the late 19th century. An entire town could be illuminated by... (He sees the containment unit.) What the hell is this? (Out of curiosity, he presses a button, releasing toxin gas, and slimey Stacy. The man backs away, and accidentally falls off the tower, screaming all the way down.) Stacey: Sea Cucumber! Sea Cucumber!! (END) Site navigation Category:Season 3 transcripts